I think I won the penis lottery.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
