We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
