He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
