It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
