weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize