My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
