I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
