Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
