where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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