when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
