I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wanna passion pit in your ass
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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