38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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