I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
