I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
