Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We had sex on a dog bed..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
