When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
