my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
