I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
