Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We are two peas in an std pod
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry about my life...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
