Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
