my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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