If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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