I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
this must be what syphilis tastes like
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
