i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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