just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
