my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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