The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
