my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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