I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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