I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
