Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I am one with the molecules
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
