Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
