I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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