I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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