wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
