it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
