He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
