I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
