I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
