Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
