My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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