I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
