My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
