I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
