So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
