i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
