I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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