yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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