i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
