mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
