he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My feet surprised me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
